alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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