I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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