I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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