Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
