so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
