just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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