You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
