i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
