Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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