Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
There's even glitter on my cock...
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