bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
