If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
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