this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
