wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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