why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
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