So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
