I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
