im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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