Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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