Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
