i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
