Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
i love accidental penises.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
