i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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