why didn't you poke me back
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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