I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
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