why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
She bit a glass in half.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Randomize
