I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
You smell like stripper and shame
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
