Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
