It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
