You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
