I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
