I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
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