Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
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