My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
