Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
