3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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