Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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