Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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