I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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