I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
