I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
