I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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