I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
