Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
