if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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