Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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