So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
