im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
