There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
