I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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