do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
