Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
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