Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
