she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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