U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
