I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
now i know why i became what i already was.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
