I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
