So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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