just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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