6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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